love without fear

Well, my first few weeks at home have certainly been different than I expected. A lot more melancholy but just as much engaging in the ins and outs of my emotions as is to be expected. Home is a place of rest for my body but not so much for my soul. I'm not alone by any means...I have my supportive family and the occasional rekindling of friendship. For the deepest parts of me, I open up on paper and on the phone to Collin, ever an astute listener and thoughtful in his insight. I've grappled with a lot...what happens when all of a sudden I lose all excitement and initiative, not just about beginning a new life, but with the people and places who are most familiar and formative for my mind and heart? I just read the Four Loves and I'm suffering from contemplation overload. But I hope to unpack it over time, and revisit in small portions the wealth of thought and consideration that it stimiluated.

One thing that stuck out to me in the chapter about Eros was the tendency of lovers to be overly serious in their approach to love and sex. "Sensible lovers laugh." I have a hard time laughing at myself when it involves by vulnerabilities...it goes beyond unwillingness to the lack of recognition that I need to not take myself so seriously. Sometimes happiness is visits and provides memory and truth, which gives birth to joy in the time of emotional trials. But lately joy and the whimsicality of life haven't been that tangible.

And so I'm learning to not only let go of my initial responses to depression or insecurity...the desperate attempt to discern what's wrong, the frantic thoughts that assail my senses and tell me I need to be perfect. Thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit...that quiet whisper that hints at something unknown, something not yet realized in this shifting of my emotions, to not yet act on that inclination to seperate myself from those I love until I have it "figured out." Thank God that he has in a sense "chosen us for one another"...how many times has another person accessed a facet of love, of faith that I haven't, and in that conversation opened up a world of possibility for me to behold along side them in, to discover with them.

I listened to "The Drunkard's Prayer" by Over the Rhine today. I've listened to this cd in various emotional states, and it has that universal quality of longing and rebirth. I was struck by what Karin Bergquist wrote in the liner notes about the experience that gave way to the song "Born," one that resonate so particularly with me right now and with what I read in "The Four Loves." Karin and her husband Linford Detweiler took time off from their extensive touring for "Ohio" because it hit them that their marriage was suffering from lack of time and rest together. In order to "get to know each other again," they decided that every night before bed, they would sit at the kitchen table, open a bottle of wine, and talk until it was finished. I love that image of discipline and effort as one part of the means to rediscover one another, and given time the laughter, the passion will regenerate and remind us that we are not "it" in this world...we can be whimsical members, benefactors, participants in and of something much greater. "When love and duty are one, grace is within you." (The Painted Veil)

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

"Born" - Over the Rhine

Chase: *looks over shoulder* "I forgot you had a blog."
Me: "Me too"

Well, it took me a whole two months into my senior year of college to have an intensely nostalgic moment about my time here. And it would be during a conversation with Chase at 2:30am, each of us working on the same paper we should have finished hours ago. I don't feel sad or debilitated by it...just that "there's a time and a place for everything" sentiment.

So yeah, I have more responsibility this semester than I've ever had in my life, but I have stuck to the promise I made to myself that I would not sacrifice fun. And there are so many people to ensure that! Love it.

I have had some pretty significant emotional ups and downs since being back, but somehow it steadies out. Ultimately, I feel settled, like things are finding their place in my life in a fundamental way. I've had a rough couple of weeks, but when I sit back and reflect, I'm surprised to find how content I really am, and am continually learning to be. It's a gift, really.

domestic success

My car is halfway (and neatly) packed! My room is a wreck, but I'm working on it. I'm leaving in 36 hours! And I'm not stressed at all! yes!

Also, for the first time in my (recently acquired) domestic career, something I baked turned out well the first time around. Not burnt, undercooked, missing a key ingredient, or anything of the sort! Blueberry-coconut macadamia muffins. My new favorite thing. AND I made homemade granola for the second time, and I didn't burn it. Usually it takes me at least two or three times to get it right.

For the most part this summer, I have eaten well and cooked or baked something almost everyday (or at least a few times a week). And I've enjoyed it! I even like grocery shopping, especially by myself or with my sister. Given, it was with my parents' money, but hey, I saved them the time all summer. Unfortunately, my consistently healthy eating habits and cooking endeavors kind of trailed off over the past two weeks...so this was my last push to finish strong.

Sigh. I am building my domestic endurance. This summer I made steady progress, but at this rate, I will probably not be fit to be a wife for at least 4 more years. Or so. Not that that is necessarily my focus in all this...it's just really satisfying to know you can do something, or to see the product of steady attempts to form a new habit or lifestyle.

Ohmygoodness I leave for Hillsdale in six days to begin my senior year. This weird melancholy feeling is beginning to settle in. I'm sure it'll settle right out as soon as I hit the road, but still...this always comes. I'm usually pretty sensitive to my emotions, and I think a year or two ago I would have freaked out a little and wondered why I feel this way. But with all the ups and downs of the past two years, I've learned a little bit about adaptability and the fluidness of life...I kind of just roll with the emotions to an extent and accept them. There's a steadiness to that approach, which I appreciate and I think it's becoming a bit more second nature. Although, my journal may beg to differ, seeing as I try to confine my moments of emotional wreckage to those pages.

In other news, my pair of Diego Di Lucca shoes is a godsend. You may wonder at this proclamation, seeing as I typically do not idolize articles of clothing. Is it because this designer boasts that he creates "art to wear on your feet"? Hah. Oh yes, they are beautiful, but who the hell cares if I'm wearing "art on my feet"(except maybe Josh)? Actually, the reason is that they are the most comfortable shoes I own, next to the Tevas Andrea gave me. I wore these shoes (I will call them "Mary" because according to the website, that is their name) all day* and my feet don't hurt at all. In fact, my feet were aching this morning from my measly 4 hour shift at work yesterday, for which I was forced to wear my impractical black heels (I'll call them "Satan" because I think that's who made them). And wouldn't you know, I believe Mary healed my feet, because as I sit here preparing to go to bed after a 13 hour day, my feet feel great. Truly remarkable.

*All day includes church, lunch out with the fam, a 5 hour shift at work, and dinner from 7:30 to 11pm.

good day

Cupboard Maker Books is truly a friend to college students. Well, only if you are an English major and not in need of an actual textbook. While most of the books this place sells are timeless, the minority that you wish could be of use to you are pretty much outdated as far as volumes and editions go. Sure it looks like a ugly old concrete warehouse (it is)...BUT, most of the books are $3-10 and they have sales! Why have I not done the majority of my book shopping here for the past three years?? I could have saved hundreds of dollars. Not even exaggerating a little. Oh well. I bought:
Huckleberry Finn
Walden and Other Writings
The Portrait of a Lady
Perelandra

...all required texts for classes for $9 because there was a sale on classics. And then I decided to buy For Whom the Bell Tolls (Hemingway) and The Power and the Glory (Greene) for fun bringing my total up to $16. It was wonderful. I think there are a couple more books I can get there so I'm going back tomorrow.

And THEN I went to Borders with a 40% off one book coupon and bought The Landmark Thucydides for the Victor Davis Hanson class for $16 as well (originally 35 or something at the bookstore). Such a great day. I love books.

I was flipping through For Whom the Bell Tolls, and I noticed in the front he quotes John Donne from Meditation XVII, the "no man is an island" excerpt. I don't care who is quoting John Donne, or where I read it, I always get excited. I am sure it was an act of Providence when Dr. Whalen assigned to me "The Sun Rising" for a paper topic. I loved writing about that poem. But anyway, I didn't know that Hemingway borrowed the title from him.

"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee."

Read the rest here. I read it and swoon. The context gives even more life to this popular excerpt. Here a couple more amazing lines:

"And when she (the church) buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another."

"Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell, that tells me of his affliction, digs out and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security."

resolved:

Will stay away from Nutella, no longer attempting to justify the indulgence by downing half a box of reduced-fat wheat thins. Avoid especially when watching Bridget Jones' Diary or any witty romantic comedy in general.

latter days ~ over the rhine

(this song is beautiful and perfect)

What a beautiful piece of heartache
This has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way
All about healthy apathy

I use these words pretty loosely
There's so much more to life than words

There is a me you would not recognize, dear
Call it the shadow of myself
And if the music starts before I get there
Dance without me, you dance so gracefully
I really think I'll be okay
They've taken a toll, these latter days

Nothing like sleeping on a bed of nails
Nothing much here but our broken dream
Oh, but baby if all else fails
Nothing is ever quite what it seems

And I'm dying inside to leave you
With more than just cliches

There is a me you would not recognize, dear
Call it the shadow of myself
And if the music starts before I get there
Dance without me, you dance so gracefully
I really think I'll be okay
They've taken their toll, these latter days
They've taken their toll, these latter days

Tell them it's real
Tell them it's really real
I just don't have much left to say
They've taken their toll, these latter days
They've taken their toll, these latter days