Saturday, April 24, 2010

and it's almost been a year

Tonight my mom and I were contemplating the expectations we place on others and ourselves. I get frustrated with others for not being who I want them to be and then I hate myself for wanting them to be who I want them to be and so on and so forth. And I blame my community, my upbringing, the books I read, (etc.) for my own bloated expectations. Lately, I've been trying to give up finding the roots of my anxiety, my lack of contentment, and most of all the expectations I place on the people I love and the experiences I have with them.

The chorus to "Ten Thousand Words" by the Avett Brothers plays in my head all the time...whenever I realize I'm talking just to talk, or I hear someone else doing the same. Not only in these instances, but most deeply when I realize I'm trying to know the whole of a situation or a person for the sake of knowing, rather than just enjoying and living in my life.

I love this song. I feel tense when I reflect on what the brothers have to say here. There's vulnerability here, but not without hints of bitterness. It is hard to try to wear the same clothes all the time, to "dress" in the way we think God has told us to, to talk in the way that feels comfortable and shared by most people we know. I not only try to figure this out for myself, but for many people I know...deeply or superficially. Not the best of habits.

So here's to a year of tension. Oh the places my mind has gone and the crazy ways I've tried to share them with others.
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Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And everyone around me shakes their head in disbelief
And says I’m too caught up
They say young is good and old is fine
And truth is cool but all that matters
Is that you have your good times
But their good times come with prices
And I can’t believe it when I hear the jokes they make
At anyone’s expense except their own
Would they laugh if they knew who paid?

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about