I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and gray with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

Sara Groves

There is more than one person in my life I think of, at the end there. "You can see something else." Deep, irrational insecurity is isolating. In those moments, we must learn to believe one another.

confession of a closet group-thinker

I just scolded my mom for wanting to skip the State of the Union address, and settle for the Fox News commentary tomorrow morning. "MOM, are you SERIOUS? Don't you want to hear the original source before you hear someone else's thoughts and selective quote-pulling?"

Yet I am focusing approximately 5% of my attention to said address while browsing the web, and half-planning to ask Collin for a summary and thoughts before I go to bed. Do I at least get points because Collin is not Fox News?

(If he reads this before I get to him, he will probably refuse to share his thoughts.)

updates

Provisions in my life that I enjoy:

1. Living with my family

-I am saving money. I see my dad a lot, and have a refreshing friendship with my mom and Hannah. Also, I've found that I prefer them to a lot of people (this is kind of funny to me).

2. Learning to cook

-I am pleased that I won't be a total domestic mess. I also enjoy it...stress relief and fun. Finally, there is instant gratification, which means a self esteem boost (kind of kidding).

3. Being at CCA

- It's a good environment to work in. I trust what I am learning and who I'm learning from. I am also making money.

4. Collin

-Lots of reasons..I could elaborate but he can only take so many compliments in one sitting and I'd rather not gush. I will say one thing:

Me = INFJ

Collin = INTJ

So, I mostly feel and he mostly thinks. As a result, I benefit a lot. He challenges and comforts me. And he's fun. And smart. and anyway...

5. PA community (Christine Perrin, Erin, etc.)

-It's a luxury and a privilege to see these people weekly. They provide necessary, timely, liberating counsel.

6. Not being a student

-I have leisurely evenings without a paper or exam hanging over my head. Also, I am reading WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT

7. Second City Church

-So many good things I could say. One of favorite things is that the pastor and people allow for the truth be manifested differently in individual lives. There is a richness in the dialogue among the people and I instantly sensed a sensitivity to struggle. Often the answer has been a call to seek joy with confidence; the reality is we are fallen and redeemed.

Aspects of my life I don't prefer (with clarification):

1. It's a challenge for me to teach young children.

-I should say "to work with young children" because I am not their main teacher. And it could be worse...I could be doing daycare, which I am not cut out for. Not now, not ever.

2. Being 500 miles away from Collin

-I remember anticipating the new ways that we would grow in our time apart..it's happening but...still

3. My apparently cyclical dark night of the soul strikes again

-This is significant...but on the other hand, I say oh well. All the provisions I listed earlier brighten my life.

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I plan to be a bit more faithful this blog and so I thought this would be a good start.

Also, I have been complaining a lot lately, and this is a good reality check, this list. I'm glad I did it.

love without fear

Well, my first few weeks at home have certainly been different than I expected. A lot more melancholy but just as much engaging in the ins and outs of my emotions as is to be expected. Home is a place of rest for my body but not so much for my soul. I'm not alone by any means...I have my supportive family and the occasional rekindling of friendship. For the deepest parts of me, I open up on paper and on the phone to Collin, ever an astute listener and thoughtful in his insight. I've grappled with a lot...what happens when all of a sudden I lose all excitement and initiative, not just about beginning a new life, but with the people and places who are most familiar and formative for my mind and heart? I just read the Four Loves and I'm suffering from contemplation overload. But I hope to unpack it over time, and revisit in small portions the wealth of thought and consideration that it stimiluated.

One thing that stuck out to me in the chapter about Eros was the tendency of lovers to be overly serious in their approach to love and sex. "Sensible lovers laugh." I have a hard time laughing at myself when it involves by vulnerabilities...it goes beyond unwillingness to the lack of recognition that I need to not take myself so seriously. Sometimes happiness is visits and provides memory and truth, which gives birth to joy in the time of emotional trials. But lately joy and the whimsicality of life haven't been that tangible.

And so I'm learning to not only let go of my initial responses to depression or insecurity...the desperate attempt to discern what's wrong, the frantic thoughts that assail my senses and tell me I need to be perfect. Thank God for the gift of the Holy Spirit...that quiet whisper that hints at something unknown, something not yet realized in this shifting of my emotions, to not yet act on that inclination to seperate myself from those I love until I have it "figured out." Thank God that he has in a sense "chosen us for one another"...how many times has another person accessed a facet of love, of faith that I haven't, and in that conversation opened up a world of possibility for me to behold along side them in, to discover with them.

I listened to "The Drunkard's Prayer" by Over the Rhine today. I've listened to this cd in various emotional states, and it has that universal quality of longing and rebirth. I was struck by what Karin Bergquist wrote in the liner notes about the experience that gave way to the song "Born," one that resonate so particularly with me right now and with what I read in "The Four Loves." Karin and her husband Linford Detweiler took time off from their extensive touring for "Ohio" because it hit them that their marriage was suffering from lack of time and rest together. In order to "get to know each other again," they decided that every night before bed, they would sit at the kitchen table, open a bottle of wine, and talk until it was finished. I love that image of discipline and effort as one part of the means to rediscover one another, and given time the laughter, the passion will regenerate and remind us that we are not "it" in this world...we can be whimsical members, benefactors, participants in and of something much greater. "When love and duty are one, grace is within you." (The Painted Veil)

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu
The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

"Born" - Over the Rhine

Chase: *looks over shoulder* "I forgot you had a blog."
Me: "Me too"

Well, it took me a whole two months into my senior year of college to have an intensely nostalgic moment about my time here. And it would be during a conversation with Chase at 2:30am, each of us working on the same paper we should have finished hours ago. I don't feel sad or debilitated by it...just that "there's a time and a place for everything" sentiment.

So yeah, I have more responsibility this semester than I've ever had in my life, but I have stuck to the promise I made to myself that I would not sacrifice fun. And there are so many people to ensure that! Love it.

I have had some pretty significant emotional ups and downs since being back, but somehow it steadies out. Ultimately, I feel settled, like things are finding their place in my life in a fundamental way. I've had a rough couple of weeks, but when I sit back and reflect, I'm surprised to find how content I really am, and am continually learning to be. It's a gift, really.

domestic success

My car is halfway (and neatly) packed! My room is a wreck, but I'm working on it. I'm leaving in 36 hours! And I'm not stressed at all! yes!

Also, for the first time in my (recently acquired) domestic career, something I baked turned out well the first time around. Not burnt, undercooked, missing a key ingredient, or anything of the sort! Blueberry-coconut macadamia muffins. My new favorite thing. AND I made homemade granola for the second time, and I didn't burn it. Usually it takes me at least two or three times to get it right.

For the most part this summer, I have eaten well and cooked or baked something almost everyday (or at least a few times a week). And I've enjoyed it! I even like grocery shopping, especially by myself or with my sister. Given, it was with my parents' money, but hey, I saved them the time all summer. Unfortunately, my consistently healthy eating habits and cooking endeavors kind of trailed off over the past two weeks...so this was my last push to finish strong.

Sigh. I am building my domestic endurance. This summer I made steady progress, but at this rate, I will probably not be fit to be a wife for at least 4 more years. Or so. Not that that is necessarily my focus in all this...it's just really satisfying to know you can do something, or to see the product of steady attempts to form a new habit or lifestyle.

Ohmygoodness I leave for Hillsdale in six days to begin my senior year. This weird melancholy feeling is beginning to settle in. I'm sure it'll settle right out as soon as I hit the road, but still...this always comes. I'm usually pretty sensitive to my emotions, and I think a year or two ago I would have freaked out a little and wondered why I feel this way. But with all the ups and downs of the past two years, I've learned a little bit about adaptability and the fluidness of life...I kind of just roll with the emotions to an extent and accept them. There's a steadiness to that approach, which I appreciate and I think it's becoming a bit more second nature. Although, my journal may beg to differ, seeing as I try to confine my moments of emotional wreckage to those pages.

In other news, my pair of Diego Di Lucca shoes is a godsend. You may wonder at this proclamation, seeing as I typically do not idolize articles of clothing. Is it because this designer boasts that he creates "art to wear on your feet"? Hah. Oh yes, they are beautiful, but who the hell cares if I'm wearing "art on my feet"(except maybe Josh)? Actually, the reason is that they are the most comfortable shoes I own, next to the Tevas Andrea gave me. I wore these shoes (I will call them "Mary" because according to the website, that is their name) all day* and my feet don't hurt at all. In fact, my feet were aching this morning from my measly 4 hour shift at work yesterday, for which I was forced to wear my impractical black heels (I'll call them "Satan" because I think that's who made them). And wouldn't you know, I believe Mary healed my feet, because as I sit here preparing to go to bed after a 13 hour day, my feet feel great. Truly remarkable.

*All day includes church, lunch out with the fam, a 5 hour shift at work, and dinner from 7:30 to 11pm.