I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and gray with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

Sara Groves

There is more than one person in my life I think of, at the end there. "You can see something else." Deep, irrational insecurity is isolating. In those moments, we must learn to believe one another.

confession of a closet group-thinker

I just scolded my mom for wanting to skip the State of the Union address, and settle for the Fox News commentary tomorrow morning. "MOM, are you SERIOUS? Don't you want to hear the original source before you hear someone else's thoughts and selective quote-pulling?"

Yet I am focusing approximately 5% of my attention to said address while browsing the web, and half-planning to ask Collin for a summary and thoughts before I go to bed. Do I at least get points because Collin is not Fox News?

(If he reads this before I get to him, he will probably refuse to share his thoughts.)

updates

Provisions in my life that I enjoy:

1. Living with my family

-I am saving money. I see my dad a lot, and have a refreshing friendship with my mom and Hannah. Also, I've found that I prefer them to a lot of people (this is kind of funny to me).

2. Learning to cook

-I am pleased that I won't be a total domestic mess. I also enjoy it...stress relief and fun. Finally, there is instant gratification, which means a self esteem boost (kind of kidding).

3. Being at CCA

- It's a good environment to work in. I trust what I am learning and who I'm learning from. I am also making money.

4. Collin

-Lots of reasons..I could elaborate but he can only take so many compliments in one sitting and I'd rather not gush. I will say one thing:

Me = INFJ

Collin = INTJ

So, I mostly feel and he mostly thinks. As a result, I benefit a lot. He challenges and comforts me. And he's fun. And smart. and anyway...

5. PA community (Christine Perrin, Erin, etc.)

-It's a luxury and a privilege to see these people weekly. They provide necessary, timely, liberating counsel.

6. Not being a student

-I have leisurely evenings without a paper or exam hanging over my head. Also, I am reading WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT

7. Second City Church

-So many good things I could say. One of favorite things is that the pastor and people allow for the truth be manifested differently in individual lives. There is a richness in the dialogue among the people and I instantly sensed a sensitivity to struggle. Often the answer has been a call to seek joy with confidence; the reality is we are fallen and redeemed.

Aspects of my life I don't prefer (with clarification):

1. It's a challenge for me to teach young children.

-I should say "to work with young children" because I am not their main teacher. And it could be worse...I could be doing daycare, which I am not cut out for. Not now, not ever.

2. Being 500 miles away from Collin

-I remember anticipating the new ways that we would grow in our time apart..it's happening but...still

3. My apparently cyclical dark night of the soul strikes again

-This is significant...but on the other hand, I say oh well. All the provisions I listed earlier brighten my life.

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I plan to be a bit more faithful this blog and so I thought this would be a good start.

Also, I have been complaining a lot lately, and this is a good reality check, this list. I'm glad I did it.