I'm teaching Augustine's Confessions in the fall to 9th graders and contemplating how to do that "effectively." But for now, I'm just enjoying the re-read.

"I entered into my own depths, with You as guide; and I was able to do it because You were my helper."

(Book VII.X.16)

an emboldened spirit

"God of mystery, God of love, send your Spirit into our hearts with gifts of wisdom and peace, fortitude and charity. We long to love and serve you. Faithful God, make us faithful. Amen" (the midday prayer in the Diving Hours)

This morning, so many ends began to meet in my mind and heart, and in the process connected the two. I don't know how to explain it, but for quite awhile, the truth I've been meditating on, the truth I've been hoping will sustain me has been intellectual. My felt faith has been anything but robust and intuitive. But this morning, that changed for a few moments and I feel emboldened, like a glimpse into eternity...I have confidence in God's providential knowledge of all events, all physical, spiritual movements "as though they occur all at once." I don't fear the future of my self or my loved ones because the future has occurred, is occurring in the mind of God, somehow. Because I sensed his love this morning, I'm not afraid.

I've taken comfort in God's call for us to be faithful. Reassurance of his forgiveness and his presence gives me confidence that he'll teach us faithfulness.

A day lived redemptively. There are so few days when I feel fresh. As Collin said, "we've conquered today's battle," and he's ever reminding me to try not to carry one day's worries into the next. I love that man and I'm thankful I don't have to do without him.

a day of extended metaphor

The past couple days I've felt "o'erspent with gales," to borrow from Emily Dickinson. Actually it's been three days. Today was the third and it began wearily, in spite of the beauty of the morning. I made eggs, took the dog for a walk, and as we walked, I tried to talk myself out of the slump, nearly concluding with Solomon that all this effort is in vain if I'm going to spend the rest of my life doing this every day. It's just not how I want to live.

I got home and carried my pile of books that I'm reading to the front porch. One of them is the collected works of Emily Dickinson which I've enjoyed more than I anticipated. I usually read until I hit one that I need to read multiple times because it resonates so deeply. "Adrift! A Little Boat Adrift!" was that one for me today.

So simple, yet so timely. On my walk, I felt like I was sinking and I'm very aware that in those moments I need to decide, sink or swim. But what happens when you don't know what do next? I allow so many factors to make sinking out to be the most accessible option. But after I read and reread this poem, the images of "retrimming" and "redecking" stayed with me. That's what you do after a storm. It may take all night, and addressing the wear and tear of the storm is exhausting, but that doesn't hinder the exultation of surviving and continuing on.

Shortly after that, I opened my Bible to Matthew and scanned chapter 8, which picks up with the miracles of Jesus after the Sermon on the Mount. The disciples' fears and the calming of the storm settled in my understanding more deeply than ever.

Now that the day is over and I have returned to the poem and the verses, I just keep thanking God for poetry, for image and how it performs the marriage of the abstract with the concrete. He gave me this day of extended metaphor and it's ended better than it began.

#30

Adrift! A little boat adrift!
And night is coming down!
Will no one guide a little boat
Unto the nearest town?

So Sailors say -- on yesterday --
Just as the dusk was brown
One little boat gave up its strife
And gurgled down and down.

So angels say -- on yesterday --
Just as the dawn was red
One little boat -- o'erspent with gales --
Retrimmed its masts -- redecked its sails --
And shot -- exultant on!

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And they went and woke him saying "Save us, Lord; we are perishing."

And he said to them "Why are you afraid, O you of little faith?" Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm.

and it's almost been a year

Tonight my mom and I were contemplating the expectations we place on others and ourselves. I get frustrated with others for not being who I want them to be and then I hate myself for wanting them to be who I want them to be and so on and so forth. And I blame my community, my upbringing, the books I read, (etc.) for my own bloated expectations. Lately, I've been trying to give up finding the roots of my anxiety, my lack of contentment, and most of all the expectations I place on the people I love and the experiences I have with them.

The chorus to "Ten Thousand Words" by the Avett Brothers plays in my head all the time...whenever I realize I'm talking just to talk, or I hear someone else doing the same. Not only in these instances, but most deeply when I realize I'm trying to know the whole of a situation or a person for the sake of knowing, rather than just enjoying and living in my life.

I love this song. I feel tense when I reflect on what the brothers have to say here. There's vulnerability here, but not without hints of bitterness. It is hard to try to wear the same clothes all the time, to "dress" in the way we think God has told us to, to talk in the way that feels comfortable and shared by most people we know. I not only try to figure this out for myself, but for many people I know...deeply or superficially. Not the best of habits.

So here's to a year of tension. Oh the places my mind has gone and the crazy ways I've tried to share them with others.

------------

Ten thousand words swarm around my head
Ten million more in books written beneath my bed
I wrote or read them all when searchin’ in the swarms
Still can’t find out how to hold my hands

And I know you need me in the next room over
But I am stuck in here all paralyzed
For months I got myself in ruts
Too much time spent in mirrors framed in yellow walls

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And everyone around me shakes their head in disbelief
And says I’m too caught up
They say young is good and old is fine
And truth is cool but all that matters
Is that you have your good times
But their good times come with prices
And I can’t believe it when I hear the jokes they make
At anyone’s expense except their own
Would they laugh if they knew who paid?

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about
Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

And after we are through ten years
of making it to be the most of glorious debuts
I’ll come back home without my things
‘Cause the clothes I wore out there I will not wear ’round you
And they’ll be quick to point out our shortcomings
And how the experts all have had their doubts

Ain’t it like most people? I’m no different
We love to talk on things we don’t know about

music and march

New favorite music: Greg Laswell

Heard of him via Collin via Will Clark. I'm listening to his album "Three Flights from Alto Nido." Good driving music and lightly reflective lyrics.

Also, Mat Kearney. Loooove him.

March should be exciting. Staying with some of Hannah's friends (they're my favorites) because their parents are gone.

Then the weekend afterwards is Sigma Chi formal in Grand Rapids. So excited! Not only do I get to see Collin, but I love spending time with him and his friends. A few of them have really become like brothers to me. Especially Dylan and Kirk. And Jerbear will join us to pre-party! Grand Rapids is the best city in the wooooorld.

After that is INDY! With Kristen, Karen, Babs, Courtney, and a very pregnant Jen. Sigh. I was just talking to Courtney tonight and I got even more excited. I do miss them a lot and wish we were closer. My heart is in the Midwest right now.

And the weather has been gorgeous. Such a provision.

So thank you, God, for March and its wonderful beginning.

another important discovery

A few days ago, I learned that Julie Powell is not the person I imagined her to be. After reading her real blog and reviews of her book "Cleaving," I can't help but be disgusted with her.

Please take my opinion with a grain of salt. A huge grain. Notice, I said that I read a "review" of her book. Also, I have not read Julie and Julia. All I knew of Julie was from the movie. And I am embarrassed to even admit this because of how hard I took the true knowledge of her.

More deeply, I hate my temptation to judge her (and others I don't know) for mistakes that anyone of us could succumb to and it is also not my job to "forgive" her. So I don't even like that these are my feelings on the subject.

The thing is, I had so much hope and delight invested in the phantom, onscreen depiction of her. And so my important discovery lies in the fact that I fantasize other people's lives and get really disappointed when reality hits. Disappointed or bitter, and at my worst self-justified. My sorrow is very self-centered. So many things wrong with this tendency.

Some other things I learned:

My tolerance for snarkiness and foul language is limited to people I already know and love. Babs or Willbaer can drop the f-bomb as much as they like and I will love them forever. Random blogs or characters in books, not so much.

Finally, I cannot give up my enchantment with the film "Julie and Julia" and so I've allowed myself a modicum of denial. From now on, when I watch it, I will pretend (knowing full well that I am wrong) that Julie Powell is actually Amy Adams.

And instead of reading the novel "Julie and Julia" (or the follow-up "Cleaving" for that matter), I will read Julia Child's "My Life in France." Maybe someone more resilient than I could pick up Julie Powell's books and remain unscathed, but I don't think I'm mature enough. If you are not convinced, you didn't read this post carefully enough.

important discovery

So after eight months of intensive cooking, I learned last night that a clove of garlic is only one section of the whole thing (i.e. the "bulb")

That explains so much.

Struggling with contentment today.

"Wherever you are, be all there." - Jim Elliot

This keeps coming to mind and I'm trying.

final list

“And Yet” - Czeslaw Milosz

"Finding the Broken Man" – Scott Cairns

"Possible Answers to Prayer" - Scott Cairns

"Snowdrops" - Louise Gluck

"Love in Moonlight" - Louise Gluck

"Revelation" - Robert Frost

"We Grow Accustomed to the Dark" (419) - Emily Dickinson

"As Kingfishers Catch Fire" - Gerard Manley Hopkins

"I Wake and Feel" - Gerard Manley Hopkins

"Up-Hill" - Christina Rossetti

"A Good Cause" - Adelia Prado

Plus 2 Rilke poems, including the one I posted last time.

Honorable mentions...

“In Common” – Milosz

“End of Winter” - Gluck

"The Red Poppy" - Gluck

“Wild Iris” - Gluck

"The Silver Lilly" – Gluck

"To R.B." – Hopkins

“Land of the Holy Cross” – Prado

"The Theology of Doubt"- Cairns

"The First Spring Day" - Rossetti

What a wonderful process. I loved reading the poems over and over again, aloud to myself in my room.

In other news, snow day PLEASE on Wednesday? Also, we should start every school day at 10. I smiled bigger, tolerated more questions, and persevered in spirit much longer than usual.

snowed in with poetry

One of the high school teachers at CCA (Jesse Hake) and my friend/mentor, Christine Perrin asked me to compile a list of poems to present to CCA's senior class and basically do a workshop with them in preparation for a private reading at a local bookstore. The theme is self-disclosure and all it involves...vulnerability, trust, risk. There are only 5 seniors and the 3 of us (Jesse, Christine, and myself) will also read and reflect. So out of the canon of poems that involve self disclosure, I must choose 8.

So we p00led our most beloved resources. Christine brought Czeslaw Milosz, Scott Cairns, Emily Dickinson, and Adelia Prado. I can't live without Louise Gluck, Rilke, Hopkins, and Christina Rossetti. And why not through Frost in the mix and see if he fits?

I am excited to do this but it is so hard to choose! Thank goodness we got 16 inches of snow last night and having nowhere to go, I must stick with it and come up with a list today. I will keep you updated. I would ask for suggestions but I am afraid to throw anything else to the mix.

Here is a Rilke poem I am mulling over.

From "Sonnets to Orpheus" I.16

You, my friend, are so alone,

because...with words and pointing fingers

slowly we make the world our own,

perhaps the frailest part, most full of danger.

Who points with his finger to a smell? -

But of the powers that we dread

you feel many...you know the dead

and are frightened by the sorcerer's spell.

Look, we together must bear alway

parcel and part, like a whole at last.

It's hard to help you. Don't plant me in

your heart - for I would grow too fast.

But I'll guide my master's hand and say:

Here. This is Esau in his skin.

I don't know what's making me so afraid

tiny cloud over my head

heavy and gray with a hint of dread

I don't like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat

with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can't see very far

in this one moment I'm square in the dark

these are the things I will trust in my heart

you can see something else

something else

Sara Groves

There is more than one person in my life I think of, at the end there. "You can see something else." Deep, irrational insecurity is isolating. In those moments, we must learn to believe one another.

confession of a closet group-thinker

I just scolded my mom for wanting to skip the State of the Union address, and settle for the Fox News commentary tomorrow morning. "MOM, are you SERIOUS? Don't you want to hear the original source before you hear someone else's thoughts and selective quote-pulling?"

Yet I am focusing approximately 5% of my attention to said address while browsing the web, and half-planning to ask Collin for a summary and thoughts before I go to bed. Do I at least get points because Collin is not Fox News?

(If he reads this before I get to him, he will probably refuse to share his thoughts.)

updates

Provisions in my life that I enjoy:

1. Living with my family

-I am saving money. I see my dad a lot, and have a refreshing friendship with my mom and Hannah. Also, I've found that I prefer them to a lot of people (this is kind of funny to me).

2. Learning to cook

-I am pleased that I won't be a total domestic mess. I also enjoy it...stress relief and fun. Finally, there is instant gratification, which means a self esteem boost (kind of kidding).

3. Being at CCA

- It's a good environment to work in. I trust what I am learning and who I'm learning from. I am also making money.

4. Collin

-Lots of reasons..I could elaborate but he can only take so many compliments in one sitting and I'd rather not gush. I will say one thing:

Me = INFJ

Collin = INTJ

So, I mostly feel and he mostly thinks. As a result, I benefit a lot. He challenges and comforts me. And he's fun. And smart. and anyway...

5. PA community (Christine Perrin, Erin, etc.)

-It's a luxury and a privilege to see these people weekly. They provide necessary, timely, liberating counsel.

6. Not being a student

-I have leisurely evenings without a paper or exam hanging over my head. Also, I am reading WHATEVER I WANT, WHENEVER I WANT

7. Second City Church

-So many good things I could say. One of favorite things is that the pastor and people allow for the truth be manifested differently in individual lives. There is a richness in the dialogue among the people and I instantly sensed a sensitivity to struggle. Often the answer has been a call to seek joy with confidence; the reality is we are fallen and redeemed.

Aspects of my life I don't prefer (with clarification):

1. It's a challenge for me to teach young children.

-I should say "to work with young children" because I am not their main teacher. And it could be worse...I could be doing daycare, which I am not cut out for. Not now, not ever.

2. Being 500 miles away from Collin

-I remember anticipating the new ways that we would grow in our time apart..it's happening but...still

3. My apparently cyclical dark night of the soul strikes again

-This is significant...but on the other hand, I say oh well. All the provisions I listed earlier brighten my life.

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I plan to be a bit more faithful this blog and so I thought this would be a good start.

Also, I have been complaining a lot lately, and this is a good reality check, this list. I'm glad I did it.